Something Perfect

There's an ache that's missing today
There's an emptiness that's been filled
There's a cloud that's lifting and drifting away
There's a ragin' storm that's been stilled
There's a joy that's real
There's a wound that's finally healed
There's a future replacing the past
There's breath of new life in the the cast

And there's something perfect happening here
And this moment will bury the mountains of fears
And through countless tomorrows
It won't disappear
There's something that's perfect 
Happening here

No one knows, so no one can say
That tomorrow all will be well
Will the brightest promise that shines on today
Shine tomorrow?  No one can tell
But one thing is sure
And will be forever more
When such unselfish love has been given
The world just made more room for heaven

And there's something perfect happening here
And this moment will bury the mountains of fears
And through countless tomorrows 
It won't disappear
There's something that's perfect 
Happening here.

-Michael Mcclean, Something Perfect 

July 3, 2015 is one of those days.   As an active member of the LDS Church and a desire to have my family bond sealed for eternity, we entered the temple to perform the sealing ordinance of our daughter, Elizabeth to my husband and I.  I have been reflecting on what it means to me to be sealed as a family forever.  The sealing of my husband and children to me have meant that no matter what life may throw at us we will forever be joined.  It is a sense of security and a commitment that we will do all we can do put our family at the forefront of our lives.  It is hard to formulate into words something that brings my heart joy and peace.  It's a wonderful crowning event to our beautiful adoption story.  I stare at our pictures from Lizzie's sealing and the memories of walking up to the temple with Gabe, JJ and Lizzie forever stand still in my mind.

I was so excited to bring JJ back to the same temple and have him show Lizzie around.  Seeing the pictures of us after dressed in white having committed to Elizabeth that we will do our part as her earthly parents to understand who she is really is as a child of God and how to live her life so that she can return to him and of course, LOVE HER but look at her....who doesn't just love this girl.

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Lizzie has been waking up in the middle of the night for cuddles the last couple of nights.  She just wants to be held, she lays quietly and stares at me deeply.  Her eyes seem to be pools of such depth, she truly has lived for a very long time before coming to this earth because she seems like an old wise soul.  As she stares at me, I have been playing Lizzie is so loved...and then go through all those that love her so.  I have been telling her her adoption story and how she is very much loved, wanted, and adored by ALL sides of her family.  I am truly grateful for her (and JJ's as well) birth family.  I still marvel at the sacrifice and love that a birth mother has for her child.  And for them...I will end with another favorite Mcclean song...

Here I am, Here I am, How do you do?

Ever been on You Tube and run across the Family Finger song???  If not, you are missing out on hundreds of hours of the same song over and over and over again set to different action figures or actual fingers or pictures of people.  JJ has watched it so much that this is officially the first song he has completely learned.  Up until now he can see a line or two from songs but not this one.  He likes to watch a video of different dinosaurs set to this song...daddy finger, daddy finger...where are you?  Here I am Here I am, how do you do?  Well, he now enjoys taking his own dinosaurs and acting and singing it out.  Here's a little video for your viewing pleasure...but be careful you may be so addicted that you will find yourself watching hours on You tube!  (p.s: no matter what I did, could not get the video to upload correctly, so I apologize for the side ways view)

A lot has happened in the last month for our J crew since our last blog post.  We had a sudden trip to Utah due to the death of a dear Aunt.  As sad as it was to lose her so suddenly, we were so thankful for the few days to be with family.  It reminded us how much we dearly love the times we are able to be with them and we can't wait until we go back in July for our sealing because as many reading that are LDS...we finalized!

It was different to not be in person in court.  We were so thankful for Sarah and Lisa making it a special experience at LDSFS conference room.

We were able to conference in family members from Utah and Illinois.  One of my favorite moments in the experience was being able to hear Gabe share to everyone thoughts on family.

No matter how hard it gets, honestly the most important work that is done truly is within the walls of our home.  I am so thankful for my husband and both of my children.  They teach me everyday, they each make me laugh, and challenge me to be a better person, wife, and mother.

Our 5 month old!

Miss Elizabeth Jenae is now 5 months old yesterday!  I can hardly believe how time has flown.  She is definitely keeping us on our toes.  As you can see from her recent pictures she is thriving and her brief stint in the hospital is a thing of the past.  She is 15 pounds 3 ounces and is 25 inches long.  For some folks, they think she still looks little, others think she is so huge!  But all agree, that she is stunning.  The other day at Trader Joes, these very nice women were following us around and finally told me how beautiful she is.

Lizzie is way into grabbing what we have whether that is food or non food.  However, if you dare to be the one to put it in her mouth (even water that she takes in a bottle) she is highly perturbed!  She has started on rice cereal a week ago and to be honest she looks as if I have offended her when I put the spoon in her mouth.  If you put it in a bottle nipple she will drink more.  However, she has discovered that if she gags on it, mom stops.   Tried bananas last night at dinner...again...the face of disgust until we warmed it up....then...and only if you put a small amount just on her tongue does she seem to enjoy rolling it around and smacking her lips.

She loves to chew on her hands or suck on her thumb.   She still prefers the pacifier for soothing...phew!  She found her toes and loves to grab them at diaper changes.  She talks the most when she is standing on your lap and looking at you.  We practice mama quite often :)  Although I think the thing she likes the most and will say ba ba.  She becomes one serious observer when she sees you make her bottle and quite offended if she you haven't given her bottle to her in a timely enough fashion.  But the words she probably hears the most is "no and JJ".  She absolutely adores her brother, she smiles and watches him constantly.  She has begun to laugh but she seems to have to be just in the right mood.  Even though she is a bit stingy on the laughs, she is a happy baby.  She loves to smile at people that are smiling at her.  Many others take this as she will be happy to go visit their laps too but nope...she has already developed some stranger anxiety.

We couldn't love her more and so thankful for these past 5 months!!!

Bless Brother Jesus

You know you haven't blogged in awhile when your husband turns to you in clear language and says you haven't blogged lately perhaps you can blog about the Easter Bunny pictures.  It has not been from lack of ideas of cuteness of children that I have been slacking but that of time.  It seems that I can't keep up and my house shows it!  There is always a pile somewhere that needs to be cleaned and I tell myself that it is far better to have invest in my children during my time home than my chores.  It also doesn't help to be weighed down by this cast!  It's terrible and what I wouldn't give to have a removable, washable option....ok...sensing a theme...I guess I am feeling a little cluttered lately.

So, onto much better topics!!!  The KIDS!  Parenting is so not easy but I am ever so thankful for these two in my life.  Last weekend, we decided to go to the mall to visit the Easter Bunny to capture a few memories.  Lizzie was tired and just consumed with quietly taking it all in.  She didn't even notice we put on Bunny's lap.  JJ was a little hesitant at first but did better than his refusal to approach Santa last Christmas.  He certainly warmed up where it was hard to leave because of all the kisses and long good byes that JJ wanted to do.  I think it was the candy that won him over.

Lately, JJ has been willing to pray more...phew...been worried that I have been not teaching so well.  His prayer lately has included blessing his brother Jesus...so cute...last Sunday, he felt we hadn't started the blessing on the water fast enough so he took it upon himself.  Dear Heavenly Father please bless Brother Jesus...AMEN!  A few snickers could be heard around us!  

Lizzie has found her hands!!! She loves them.  She can be found sucking on them anytime she doesn't have a pacifier or a bottle.  It is the cutest thing to see her use her one hand to keep her other hand shoved in her mouth!  

           Egg hunt anyone???  I think we want to check out a local one this year.  So, if any local friends want to join us this Saturday, let me know.  

Meant to Be

I have been contemplating this post over the last few months as I have read adoption articles and what seems to be a debate in the adoption world.  The idea of meant to be. You see many adoptive parents say "you were meant to be mine" to their children. The other side of that argues that it diminishes the role of the child's first family and insinuates that the child was never meant to be theirs.  So I have wondered about my own thoughts and feelings about this.  Mind you I don't think that I am the end all be all and I am sure there are plenty of others that have researched ideas but this is what I have come to believe in my 3 plus year journey on my personal adoptions.

 You see I feel a huge connection to my children and that I knew them and their first mama's well before we came to this earth.  With Mr. J, shortly before I met him the first time, I had a dream of a little boy with a cute nose looking up at me and I knew this boy was my son.  His face was very distinctive.   So, when I was with a friend and going to meet him for the first time, I was nervous, because what if it was the same baby and what if it wasn't.  But sure enough, I looked at that little bundle, and even though the baby in my dream was older, I saw that nose and I knew it was him.  The time span from the dream to meeting him was only a couple of weeks.  

However, a couple of years ago, I had a dream of a little girl walking around in a diaper with pigtails in her hair.  She had brown hair and brown eyes.  Again, I knew in my heart that it was my daughter.  I also knew that she was not coming from my body considering I have hazel eyes and Gabe has blue ones.  And at one point in the wee hours in our hospital room, holding and staring at Queen L in my arms, I remembered that dream and I knew.

I also have had a strong connection with both kids birth mothers.  I remember meeting S and thinking "I know you" and knew her spirit long before that day at CPK.  With E, we quickly fell into a very easy connection like sister/long time friends.  As someone who is in the business, I have watched time and time again as what would be strangers feel like they have reunited with long lost family members.

As I have reflected on my experiences and feelings for my children and their birth families I have come to feel that in fact it was meant to be.  All of it.  That these children were meant to be theirs, mine, and ours.  I kind of visualize that there was this big meeting before we all came to earth.  It would consist of primarily of three groups of people....those that were told they would want for children that they cannot physically have, others that will bear children while they found themselves in difficult circumstances and be given the choice to place for adoption, and the children.  I picture myself in that meeting and finding men and women that I have known.  I see myself talking with S and E and who knows...maybe some more and hugging each other and encouraging each other that these will be difficult trials.  I feel that I promised S, E and our children that I would choose to share motherhood and raise their children if they chose to share their motherhood with me.  I feel that we told each other that we would be willing to come together to bear each others burdens knowing that perhaps we may not choose to ultimately place or accept a placement due to our agency.  I believe Elizabeth and Johnathan were most definitely intended to be born to their birth families to inherent certain physical traits and characteristics from them, to be connected to them forever through their blood ties.  I wish that we had a life where we did not have to have trials and struggle.  But the reality is that we would not learn in such an environment.  So just as children are allowed to grow through their experiences in poverty, so too our Heavenly Father allows his children to experience unplanned pregnancies, children to be born to them, and couples not able to conceive or no longer able to conceive.

So, in the end, I believe my children are connected to all of the people that have long before we came to this earth, loved and promised to love, no matter what agency dictated.  I again cannot express the depth of gratitude I feel for S and E.  I am humbled to share motherhood with them and grateful to be apart of this miracle.  I cannot imagine my life without my husband nor my children.  Each morning as I wake up with all of us in the same room...yep...can't seem to get JJ to think that he should stay in his bed the entire night...I am just overwhelmed with gratitude for each of them and their roles in my life.  

Wow, a month practically

Life has sped up it seems in the last few weeks. We have had the winter cold hit us again, get better and is now making another comeback.  Our pediatrician is a leading star in our life.  

Queen L is 11 pounds and 22 inches. She seems huge to me but the charts put her on the small end. She has such a beautiful smile, we are all smitten here. She had her first tub bath...considering her mood prior she was having a grand time!!!

Mr. J is 40 pounds and enjoyed his first Valentine party at school.  Everyone in class seems to know him and a parent stopped me today to tell me that he is improving so much. He definitely has spirit so there is no mistaking he is around.  He was a bit conflicted today. He told me that Lizzie was his best friend and that he is the big brother while rocking her on his chair but later spent the evening upset telling us he doesn't want to be a big brother. I took that as a cue that L had had lots of attention as she has been fussy and having some normal but not fun reactions to her shots. J and I hit the town and we hit up Costco for a hearty dinner of pizza and berry smoothies!!!

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Just an ER sort of Weekend...

Everyone seems to be fighting the fever and cough bug that has been going around for a couple of months.  I thought we were done with it since we spent most of December sick with it but alas the petri dish that attends preschool brought it back home for us.  JJ spiked a fever Thursday night that continued to Sunday morning....poor boy...although when the meds kicked in and he was normal temp again...he didn't let a little illness hold him back, he was still climbing over everything and getting into mischief.  Not even sickness can contain his energy pack!  Doctor checked him out on Friday and declared it a virus and sent us home.  Friday afternoon....checking JJ's temp...I thought Lizzie seemed a bit warm and had been fussy (she can be fussy but not generally in the late morning and afternoon...usually her better mood time).  I took her temp like 12 times and it it ranged from 99.4 to 100.9...after trying to reach the Doctor and sitting on hold to find out if they wanted her in office or go to the ER (her parting words to me at our checkup was until I see you in February...any temp over 100.4 was to go to ER...but did she mean that during office hours??...boy this stuff is confusing).  Packed us all up...had Gabe call in sick...wasn't going to have a little boy with a 102.5 temp just medicated and a sick baby too...so we headed to the hospital...where I proceeded to become more of a stress case causing us to barely be functional when we walked into the ER.  The advice nurse kept freaking me out with her various questions...does she have any rash...yes...its baby acne but man, upon inspection there is more on her back and belly.  I couldn't recall...did the doctor say that the back is normal for baby acne.  Is she responsive?  My response...she is alive but she won't wake up!  Liz decided this was a great time to be out cold and refuse to stir despite me undressing her to see what she looked liked as she breathed.  After receiving a final confirmation to go to ER from nurse we pulled back onto the road to finish our journey.  The 3 miles seemed liked 30 as I was sequestered to the back seat and unable to help Gabe steer the car!  I hate not being in control of the car when I am stressed out but I needed to talk to the nurse when she came on the line and watch the baby for sudden head spinning or whatever else happens. 

You would think since I am a seasoned mama that I would be cool, collected....not this mama.  I hover over them and worry until I know its gonna be okay.  And sincerely, JJ didn't have his first fever until he was 7 or 8 months old, so I hadn't dealt with a little baby and fevers.  

We stand in line to check in...of course 3 patients all come in at the same time.  I am holding Lizzie and it seems like she isn't so hot after all.  I tried to explain to the nurse, well, maybe we don't need to be there and I had dreamed the 12 times that she seemed to have a temp.  We were still checked in and yep, triage nurse confirmed no fever.  We were still rushed back where the pediatrician saw us quite quickly and explained that since she is so young fevers indicated that they were fighting infection and she might not be fighting an infection because she can't or it could be a bad thermometer...we will skip the insert of his lecture on any thermometer other than rectal.  So, we stayed for several hours to run lab work...and yep, she was fine but they were going to continue to run lab work on the culture growth in her blood for the next several days...so we went back to the ER on Saturday for our follow up and then back to her pediatrician on Monday.  Frankly, I had seen more of Dr. L in 2 weeks than I had in over a year!  It's a good thing I like her!

The tape removal was far more painful than the IV stick! 

We are all mending...fevers are gone...parents seem to have been down for only the Sunday...maybe as an aftermath or a quick bout with the illness.  Here's to the dream of no more illness this winter!

We are all feeling a bit spent now!

Good night!  Someone is hungry, time to post and feed Queen L.  

Hanging from the rafters

To avoid epic destruction of the house, we headed to the park today. I am astounded at how much JJ is developing physically and emotionally. He came home from preschool yelling for me...mom are you in the kitchen? I told him I was in the bedroom and he walked in and said "where is Lizzie?" In her bed was my reply, he ran to her crib, patted her and said "I missed you Liz...did you miss me"  then he runs back to my room and said..."Lizzie missed me".

Love this boy! Stole my heart the moment I laid eyes on him!!!

Choose wisely....choose BLUE!

Took the time to teach the kids about the where they should land for their college education!  Told Lizzie it looks good on her!  JJ seemed down with it as well....frankly, they have much of what he is looking for...cute girls, games to play....they are however missing a park on campus to climb the jungle gym but I am sure he can make do with what they do have.  JJ is enjoying attending morning preschool.  Afternoons were not working on, he was too tired and was missing out on his nap.  Mom and Dad didn't like how it threw off his schedule for the next day either.  We are learning that rocks are for holding at the playground and not throwing.  Sand is for digging and making sand castles....not throwing.   

Today, Lizzie is 4 weeks old and went to see our local pediatrician to get set up.  Also to discuss some gastric issues.  This girl can clear a room with her flatulence and her special delivery diapers are unmistakably ghastly.  Doc said all is good because she is growing leaps and bounds.  Weighing in at 9 pounds 1 ounce and 21 inches.  Girl gained over a 1.5 pounds and 1 inch in 4 weeks.  Girl is doing her job....growing big and looking cute!

Time to get back to cleaning my house! The never ending battle.  

Happy New Year!

2014 certainly has been another wonderful year for the J crew.  Cannot believe Lizzie is 3 weeks old already and growing huge!

She prefers to sleep with folks or by swing, although when she is totally out conked out she is happy to sleep in her little traveling sleeper that she has been sleeping in since we brought her home.  We just put that in her pack and play in our room while she is still adjusting to the larger bassinet and even grander crib.  She digs her pink fluffy blanket.  I need to get out and get some of the those sleep sacks as she is beginning to be a mover and shaker.  Her hands and legs can really get going and she can move the blanket around.  She does not enjoy swaddling where her hands are tied down.  She is recognizing voices and tracking us.  And she is definitely perfecting the art of crying when she is hungry or having gas pains.  Otherwise, she is a pretty chill baby.  She will squawk at you if you move her in a position that she does not find appealing.  She believes in making her needs known and not sucking it up to take one for the team since she quietly puts up with so much in this crew she joined.

JJ is growing up so much and is loving being a big brother most of the time.  He isn't too keen on sharing the parents though.  And he thinks he should be the one taking care of Lizzie and not Mommy.  His imagination is taking off.  He enjoys using a pencil as a wand and turning you into different things such as a laughing witch is one of his favorites.  He is smart as a whip and will hear a word on the radio that he knows that you are not suppose to use aka stupid and he perks up and tells you that they weren't suppose to say that.  He is still head strong and insists he is right....I said student one time and he heard stupid...the big no no word going on at our house right now.  Boy he was all over me and even after I gave him the definition of student to explain the difference he was sticking to his guns that he was right.

Monday the 22nd, we were sitting in the pediatrician's office when we received the official call that we had cleared ICPC.  It was sad to have to admit to L's birth family because we love them so much and enjoyed seeing them but we were ready to move on to the next phase.....CHICAGO!  Immediately, JJ was a different boy as he recognized the surroundings of Grandma D's house.  It was a relief as he had been struggling quite a bit with all of the changes and being away from home.  We spent time with family which was a total blast to have everyone love on the kids so much.  L is the first granddaughter on my side of the family so needless to say...she is ADORED!

Sunday the 28th after being up all night with a constipated baby and a very sick little boy we boarded a plane to home.  JJ immediately began dumping toys to reclaim his home in some toddler caveman sort of way.  We enjoyed visits from several of our family by choice people in our life.

Ringing in the New Year...so thankful for my church support, who rallied to bring us some meals as quickly being at home and not unpacked became very difficult while taking care of the kids.  Gratefully the sister that brought us dinner on Wednesday thought of all the details....even down to the noise makers and hats.  Can't thank her enough because I hadn't even been able to think that far yet....I was just focused on settling us in....unpacking, grocery shopping with 2 kids, and cleaning the caveman disaster of toys.

You can tell that Lizzie is completely enjoying her head gear!

Wishing you a joyous 2015!!!